Tuesday, August 19, 2014 four stages of comms facepalm...
The Urban Dictionary describes 'facepalm' as the correct response of putting your palm to your head in response to a particularly stupid question or comment... are we alone in thinking that comms people get to do a lot of this?
by Dan Slee
We've all been there working in comms, marketing, web and PR... the ridiculous request that gets made of you that is dafter than a box of frogs.
A request or a comment so ludicrous, so inane and so lacking in common sense that it takes all your considerable being to stop yourself from tipping over the desk and shouting loudly: "But that's just... STOOPID!"
But you don't. You nod sagely and then think of a diplomatic answer while in your head you've tipped over the table.
For my part I was really good at the diplomacy. Probably too good. But after many years in PR teams I've come to realise there are phases.
Often this cycle starts at ten past five of a Friday afternoon which as we all know is the true witching hour for 'interesting' requests.
Stage One: The Silly Request
This is where it starts. Someone has asked you to do something impractical, stupid, immoral or ridiculous. This may involve clip art. It may involve the suggestion of putting someone really inappropriate up for interview with a really silly title. Like the time in my career when the cutting edge art gallery bod wanted to see if the Sunday tabloid would come and do a feature on their metallic vibrator that was on display because they wanted to stimulate a balanced debate on art.
Hey you there with the scissors. Put them down, can you?
Stage Two: The Response to the Silly Request
This next phase is the dangerous phase. How do you respond? A former colleague of mine had this down pat. A response 'Well, that's one view,' indicated that they thought that was the most ridiculous thing they'd ever heard in their entire life and nobody sane could even countenance thinking that never mind articulating it.
The next step up from that, of course, was the occasionally heard 'Well, that's certainly one view...'
The alternative school of thought is to tip over the table and roar like a madman. Believe me, I've been inches away from it.
Stage Three: The Scuffle
You've reached an impasse. They want that back of bus ad campaign. They need it. They don't know why. They have no evidence. They just NEED it and YOU are the unreasonable one.
Usually this is the point where things get escalated and this is where those personal relationships come in handy. Some you win and some you lose.
Stage Four: The War Story
Your battle with the box of frogs now becomes the stuff of legend that gets repeated in places where former colleagues or comms people gather. Often yours are madder than anyone else's. But it is important to share these to get a sense check. No, it was them. It wasn't you.
So here's where this post can come in. We've written this post so you can share - anonymously if needs be - and you can release a primal scream of inner angst and share the pain with your colleagues in the industry.
Here are SIX of my favourites
Got asked to a meeting to discuss the comms around the signing of a major, major contract. Politician wanted CNN, Sky TV and the world's media. Director nods sagely. Politician leaves safe in the knowledge that his instructions are very clear. Director then leans across the table and opens with: "I want none of that. If we have a press conference and no-one turns up that will be a major success..."
Got told they want to spend around six grand on an insert in the local paper. Why? Because they've always done it and a next door neighbour is doing it. Besides, they get it converted into a glossy brochure we can give away and we'll get 500 copies for free. No, they have no evaluation. No, there is no purpose. Result? Six months later 497 copies of the horribly dated brochure remained in the corner of the office gathering dust. As predicted.
Got told they have got some children to design us a new logo and there it is in all its stretched logo glory...
Got asked to 'make it look 'whizzy' by a person who admits they don't know what whizzy looks like. Yes, really.
Got told that unless I say 'yes' to this homemade poster with clip art and a logo that's been stretched your event that's happening in three days will be a failure and it'll all be my fault. No, really.
Got asked to put a piece in the residents' magazine by one of the people who cut it just two weeks ago. No, really.
Now, here's where you can come in.
Can you share your facepalm war stories?
Anonymously?
Or in person?
And how you deal with them?
You may just save a colleague from being tipped over the edge.
Thank you.
EDIT: There is now a poll of the best comments for a Champion Facepalm award. You can vote here.
Dan Slee is co-founder of comms2point0.
Reader Comments (73)
Favourite local govt comms facepalm - being asked by a head of service to "undertake a poster audit".
This was to involve walking the streets of a certain town, checking doctors and dentists' surgeries, youth clubs, chip shops, pizza shops, sports centres and any other building I could find to see if they "had any posters up relating to the council".
The purpose? "To see how well-known we are."
This is a good story to counter some of these.
I get copy from a smoking cessation expert that reads something like this: 'You only have a four per cent chance of quitting it you try to quit on your own. Even with sustained help from the smoking cessation team, there is only a 20 per cent chance you will quit.'
I read that I thought it sounded depressing. So I rewrote it thusly: 'Using all the free support from our smoking cessation team, your are five times more likely to quit and stay smoke-free.'
The response I got was: 'Wow! That sounds much better. And even more amazing, it's TRUE!'
That kind of implies he thought I lie for a living, but hey, I can live with that.
As a freelance consultant, I was asked to attend court by my client. An ex-employee was facing charges relating to his actions when he was still in the job. I duly reported back, and there were no press enquiries, so all was good. But at the next board meeting, I was asked to leave the room when they discussed the case because the case was deemed too confidential to discuss in front of me.
I have also worked with plenty of organisations who employ a pr consultant and then don't (won't) share confidential information. Stuff like their business plan and objectives, board minutes, future developments, project plans. Presumably in case I send them, unedited, to the nationals...
I am facepalming at how few public sector comms bods seem to be able to craft a coherent - let alone amusing - story when there must be so many hilarious tales of woe to be heard.
A senior officer once did an almost total re-write of a major corporate document we'd just finished designing and laying, despite us being told it was the final, final version. On being told it would take a day to make all the changes (yes, there were that many) his response was 'I thought the software did all the design and layout for you'. Cue facepalm and head hitting desk moment, plus hysterical laughter from the graphic designer.
"I didn't approve it. I just saw it."
Persuading our then Chair of health organisation that he couldn't leaflet drop to everyone in our city to let them know there was a new NHS dentist in town who would take new patients. (At the time when there was no NHS dentists).
Paying extortionate amount of money to Royal Mail to ensure same Chair could receive a copy of the relevant "local health guide" we were forced to send out to "every household" after the year before he had chased postman down the street and removed same "guides" from his hands because he had received the "wrong" one.
Speaking to local council about road signs for a new health service because signs are part of your job aren't they.
Finally (and sorry this is very cathartic especially as some of my experiences are probably not even publishable).
The internet is broken can you fix it
Me: "We need to look at the description of your event, this word here isn't a word, it's made up. What are you trying to say about your work? We can rewrite the description."
Artist: "I'm pretty sure it is a word and it accurately describes my work."
Me: "Okay, I concede it is a term in advanced geometry but it doesn't describe the reading of your artist diary (unless it's infinite and it will never converge)."
Artist: "My audience will understand."
Director (furious at my amends to their copy for educational event): "I worked as an English Teacher for MANY years. I *think* I know how it's spelt!"
Me: "Sorry, but there's definitely no "P" in hamster."
Comms role at a national umbrella organisation. Part of our role was to interpret government policy, papers etc for our members. Was instructed to publish and promote a colleague-authored, jargon-filled briefing paper on a recent government White Paper.
The White Paper was 20 pages long. My colleague's briefing? 31 pages.
Reminds me of a story we ran a few years ago, from an anon source who relayed that they had been asked to produce some notes for a Director's speech. So far so normal. Normal that is, until they reviewed them, accepted them and asked for them to be handwritten into the margins and around a printed copy of the speech.
The director wanted to make it look to anyone who glimpsed their papers that they had handwritten the notes themselves.
'Web page hits, over public engagement'
It's not all us regular officers who have a problem with comms, you know! Sometimes comms have a problem with comms.
On deciding that we would switch-on the embed function of our webcasting, allowing local organisations/press to pick it up an insert in their website, you know, to encourage engagement, participation, transparency, we thought we'd run it by one of the comms managers first.
"Hmm, I suppose you could switch it on, but I wouldn't tell anyone you have"
"Oh, why"
"Because if people know they can, and then do, we won't be able to count the hits on our website, so then won't know if or how many people we've reached"
Go figure!
'Web page hits, over public engagement'
It's not all us regular officers who have a problem with comms, you know! Sometimes comms have a problem with comms.
On deciding that we would switch-on the embed function of our webcasting, allowing local organisations/press to pick it up an insert in their website, you know, to encourage engagement, participation, transparency, we thought we'd run it by one of the comms managers first.
"Hmm, I suppose you could switch it on, but I wouldn't tell anyone you have"
"Oh, why"
"Because if people know they can, and then do, we won't be able to count the hits on our website, so then won't know if or how many people we've reached"
Go figure!
Reminds me of a story we ran a few years ago, from an anon source who relayed that they had been asked to produce some notes for a Director's speech. So far so normal. Normal that is, until they reviewed them, accepted them and asked for them to be handwritten into the margins and around a printed copy of the speech.
The director wanted to make it look to anyone who glimpsed their papers that they had handwritten the notes themselves.
Another anon one...Getting excited at finding out we had £1,000 for a campaign but then being told it was actually budget for 1,000 flyers
Them: "We need a Facebook page and a Twitter account for this campaign!"
Me: "Why?"
Them: "Because everyone else has them!"
Ah, yes... the 'we need a Twitter account.' I'm not sure when the tipping point came from 'we need a micr site.' Somewhere around 2011, I think.
Honestly no word of a lie..... being asked if we could do something in the medium of dance.
The 'we need our own website' request.
Let's do some engagement but if we don't get the answers we want, let's change it half way.
Let's ask questions in a way that means we get the answers we want.
We want a campaign that raises awareness of what we do but we can't deal with any extra enquiries.
How have you let them write those headlines? Make them change them. Call them and make them change them now.
Let's make it two-way comms but only share the replies if we like them.
Every person who thinks they are an expert at comms. I mean since when do comms people go into finance teams & start doing the accounts.
Last facepalm is about every senior officer who changes one or two words...just to put their stamp on it.
Upon discovering someone had made their own version of the 'Happy' video by Pharrell...
Us: 'That's copyrighted material for which you do not have permission, remove the video now'
Them: 'But hundreds of other people have done their own versions of Happy and have been fine, so we will too.'
Us: 'Do you permission from the record label to use that song?'
Them: 'No. but...'
Us: 'This isn't a discussion, take it down'
Them: 'But even Pharrell himself doesn't mind - he was on Oprah talking about how many people have done their own videos and how it made him so happy, he cried! We'll definitely be fine!'
#FFS
I'm thinking we need some means of a poll to see which one is the Champion Facepalm Moment in the Whole of Comms.